The explanation

It seems there has been some confusion. It's understandable confusion, but confusion nonetheless.

Let me try to clear this all up..

I'm not engaged.

I'm not going to be engaged anytime in the near future.

Now don't you worry your pretty little head, I'm still dating Sean and I'm more in love than ever.

I'll try to explain...

So here in Utah 4 months is about the length of the relationship before the proposal, if not achingly longer.

I personally always saw this as ridiculous. It kinda seems like people just want to get married to be married, not because they're actually in love.

Well I have this curse. Every time I judge someone harshly I end up in their exact situation. It's kinda dumb. But, it helps me to remember not to judge people. Which  is good because nobody really likes super judgy people. They just pretend to so that person won't judge them.

It's a mad mad mad mad world.

Anywho...

So after I'd been dating Sean for about three and a half months we got thinking..

Thinking about us, thinking about our futures, thinking about marriage...

MARRIAGE.

The M word..

DUN DUN DUN!!!!

I don't know if you guys know this, but I wasn't planning to worry about  getting married until I was like 26.

I just figured no guy would be interested in me until then. Plus I was going to go on a mission and yada yada yada.

So thinking about marriage this soon is kinda freaky for me.

Every time we brought it up I got scared about something different and freaked out.

I wanted more time. He sort of saw that as me not loving him as much as he loved me. Which wasn't at all the reason I was freaking out.

I just wanted to be ready.

And honestly, right now I'm not. I freaked out and argued with him. It's not easy to argue with him because he doesn't argue. Like ever.

But we did fight.

We'd go in a little cycle..

Monday: We disagree about something but agree to disagree. We go to bed kind of angry but not wanting to fight.

Tuesday: I'm stuck on the idea all night and wake up wanting to win the argument. We talk and end up fighting.

Wednesday: We talk about it reasonably and decide that we're both being ridiculous. Kiss a lot and make up.

Thursday: We're good, we're happy and we promise to not fight again.

Friday: Still good.

Saturday: We start to believe that we've actually solved our problems.

Sunday: Everything is just dandy.

Rinse and repeat for 3 weeks.

And the funny thing is, we still talked about getting engaged throughout all of this.

We even looked at rings and everything.

It scared me to death but I knew that I loved him and I didn't want him to think that I didn't just because I was terrified of getting married young.

But that's a stupid reason to get married. To prove that you love him.

You shouldn't have to prove it.

They should know by the way you are with them.

I guess I was fighting with myself during this too. Deep down I knew that I shouldn't have to prove it, but part of me was so sick of fighting that I just wanted to give him whatever he wanted.

So this is all going on when he jokingly tells me that he's going to propose on Valentine's day.

And I told him if he did ask I couldn't say no because I do want to marry him, but I also begged him not to because I'm not ready yet.

Then came the argument that I didn't love him like he loved me. So I said, "Fine. Let me just warn my parents first."

I know what you're thinking, this is a terrible love story.

And it sounds more like he's being ridiculous, but you have to realize that I'm the one telling it and no matter how much I understand him, I'm only going to be able to tell my side of the story. Please don't think of him as the bad guy. Remember what I said about judging people? Just know that he also had a lot of personal reasons as to why he was right, which is what made this really hard. I just shouldn't share everything on this blog so you'll have to trust me.

So I text my mom saying something along the lines of,

"Hey mom, everything is going great. I got those scholarships taken care of. I'm thinking I'll get engaged sometime soon if everything goes well. I told you the wrong dates for my spring break too. Sorry about that but I'll actually be able to come down for JD's birthday. I'm super excited! Love you!"

Yeah... the sandwich text. Not as effective as when you're talking to someone in person..

So the next day I get a message saying something like this,

"Call me when you can."



Nothing is scarier than that. I don't like telling news, I prefer that people somehow discover it on their own. I don't know why. So I called her the next day seeing as I hadn't seen that message until like 9 pm.


I don't know why I was afraid. My parents said only exciting and helpful things to me.

Then they asked when we wanted to get married, and I said it would still be a ways away.

This is when they put their foot down, as parents should. My dad just said that it would be best to not wait more than 3 or 4 months.

Reasonable, right?

I mean really it's better to not be so intimate for such a long time. It only makes it more difficult to keep our passion under control.




So I tell this to Sean and I told him that I kind of agreed with them.

He didn't really like that answer because before the phone call I told him that I will still get to choose to marry him no matter what they said. I was just trying to ease his nerves. and mine.

But I wasn't saying that we shouldn't get married, I just said we should wait to get engaged until we're closer to our desired date.

Now I would have said that we should move our marriage up but we basically already chose the season, plus we decided that we'd both be more ready with more time. You have to keep in mind that I'm not even 19 yet...


I understand why he was upset. I basically refused his proposal. Even so I didn't want to just agree with him because in my heart more than anything I knew that I was right. I knew we needed to wait before we got engaged, no matter how in love we were. I felt that I should marry him in the end, but that I shouldn't be getting married right now.

That's sort of a hard thing to explain to someone.

It's hard to tell them that you love them more than anything, but that you think you should wait because your parents said so.


This was the breaking point. This is when he couldn't take my excuses anymore. He took me back to Ephraim (We were visiting his grandparents and cousins in Redmond: a couple small towns away) and didn't text me the rest of the weekend.

That was probably the most frustrated and bored I had ever been.

All I could think about was how I wished he would see that I was right for once. I mean really, I'm normally the one in need of a reality check. But this time I knew in my heart, for a fact that I was right.


So I fell to my knees because the only other person I could talk to was God. He was the only one who knew what I was thinking as well as what Sean felt. I just prayed that I'd know what to do, and that I could find the answers if I searched the scriptures.


Then I opened up the Book of Mormon to where I had left off. It was talking about some people that were under Lamanite control or something. The Lamanites put lots of burdens on the other people and taxed them a lot. I wondered how that was supposed to apply to me but I knew I'd find the answer even if I had to read all day and night.

That's when I found this verse:
Mosiah 21:15

"... the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens..."

I felt horrible that I immediately decided this was my answer because I didn't want to think of Sean having a hard heart or being a burden because he doesn't and he isn't. But I knew God was speaking to me because I was feeling stressed and I did want him to find out that I was right because he had stopped listening to all I had to say. He just took it all as me not loving him.

So I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more.

I prayed that both of us would see what was right. That both of our hearts would be softened. I apologized probably 50 times for praying to win an argument.


...and sometime during that prayer I fell asleep.

I woke up at midnight to a text from Sean sent about an hour earlier:
"Kayli I'm sorry. I was wrong to argue with you. I was wrong to think our love was more important than what your parents said. I love you and I just don't want to fight anymore."

I couldn't even believe that. His heart really had been softened and it didn't even take a day. All I could think to say was "thank you" and "I love you too".

Then we talked a little bit because miraculously he was still awake. Everything was good.

I was able to fall asleep on a good note.


Then I woke up and texted Sean then went to church.

He didn't respond, so when I got back I texted him again. and again. and again.

Because after 3 texts you have to act like an obsessive stalker girlfriend.



Then he responded and we talked for like 20 minutes without any arguing or anything. Just us, joking around like we do.

Then somehow we managed to get back on the dreaded subject of our fight.

I kinda said that I thought we moved past it and he said that he was just saying that stuff because he was tired of fighting.

This was the last thing I wanted to hear because his words were an answer to my prayers. To find out that he was lying to just make me feel better was the worst feeling ever.

So I got sort of mad. As mad as I could be without arguing because I was more sick of fighting than anything.

So when he said to me,

"Well what are we going to do about this? Should we break up?"

I had to take a deep breath before answering,

"That would be counter-productive."

And I figured he'd laugh it off. That's why I didn't expect him to say,

"Would it?"




I honestly don't know what I said to him, but I think our conversation ended soon after that.

I didn't even know what to think. I texted Sean's bishop, who was basically my bishop since I actually know him after going to Sean's ward for every family night and almost every Sunday.

I just told him everything and how I was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He didn't respond at all that day, but at least I was able to tell someone besides my wall what was going on.

I also sent my mom a text saying that actually Sean and I were taking a step back. I didn't want to admit that I practically just got dumped right after an almost engagement. That's actually really embarrassing to admit.


I told her though and she called me up a few minutes later asking what happened.

I managed to keep my composure. I didn't want my mom to worry about me because even if my heart was being ripped out of my chest and thrown away with all of my dreams of love, I would be ok.

I told her we were going to talk about what's best, and that we would work it out even if that meant breaking up.


The next morning Sean's bishop texted me back, then called me to figure out everything. He then said that we should go in for an interview. So he told Sean they would have an interview on Tuesday but left out the fact that I would be there too. I had to break that part to him myself.


So we talked and basically we decided to not get engaged right now because that was the main reason we fought. In fact I don't think he ever wants to propose to me. I'm hoping time will change that because I'm not going to keep arguing about it.

We used to say "When we're married..."

And now he'll only say "If we ever get married.."

it hurts to hear that to be honest.

I feel like I ruined everything to be honest.


We went to the interview and got a blessing to help us stop fighting.



You know what? Everything is better.

The blessing really helped.



We've been happier than ever. As long as we watch what we talk about.

I'm hoping that we don't have to wait forever to talk about marriage because I really want to marry him.

I've fallen more in love with him than ever. I can't even explain why. I just know that everything will be alright. I know I belong with him. Even if I can't say out loud that we're getting married yet.


He's even noticed a difference too. He said that before we fought I didn't love him like I love him now, which may be true.

It probably has to do with the fact that I almost lost him. I was crying my eyes out with him only mentioning breaking up. I really want to be with him. I really love him.


I know that story sounds really negative, but I can't help but be thankful that it happened. It was horrible, but it made me see that I really wanted him, but I also wasn't ready.

It's like I got a glimpse into the future and I know who I end up with, but I can't know when it will happen.

For now we are back to dating. Back to the beginning.We'll be seeing where it goes from here.

So for all of those people asking,
"Are you two engaged yet?"
"When are you getting married?"
"Gonna pop the question soon?"
"Am I invited to the wedding?"


I guess we'll have to get back to you all when we actually know the answers to those questions.

Just know that I love him, know that he loves me,

and know that God has a way of making things work out.

Let's just trust him for now.